How the fuck do I get over this? How do I just move on, like you did? KW's probably reading this but that's ok... obviously I have nothing to hide. You can't expect me to just turn my feelings off as soon as I hear you two are back together.
I've tried my best to help you help yourself for months and months while giving you all the love that I could, trying to help you find jobs and with welfare and giving you a roof over your head and food on the table for you and B, bla bla bla ( you know the story)... (I did it all because I loved you) and as soon as KW breaks up with M, all options are available to you, even though you were still telling me you loved me and that B was my stepson, and that we will be getting married one day. I guess, that was just all unrealistic thoughts from being high.
I don't know how to do this. Yea, this is all for B, but you've always known damn well that I was always second choice.. you were just waiting for your opportunity. All the while, just dragging my heart along and making unrealistic expectations for me, leaving me to believe you were mine and I was yours. This probably isn't as hard for you as it is for me. The only thing hard for you right now is getting over these drugs, getting a steady job and income and maybe (and I'm giving this a big maybe) not to hurt me anymore... but you've done the damage and there's no going back. I hope youre happy with your choice. I can't hate the fact that you're all back as a family. This has always been the choice in your heart; like your mom told me, "its not a shock" that this has happened..
I guess me sending this message to you is to somehow still be connected to you because I still love you and I'm just grieving the loss of two loves (you and B). I know this was something I didn't want to do (keep in contact) but I can't explain why I needed to send this... It just hurts too bad.. knowing you moved on and are sleeping in another woman's bed.. the woman you swore up and down you hated her guts and how much of a cunt and fat pig she was. I guess you were just trying to hide your true feelings.
I really just wish you would've told me the truth like a man... either way, it was going to hurt. Not like this message matters, but, like I said, I can't explain why I needed to send this. My heart just aches being without you and B and knowing you will never be fully back in my life. And, I guess it's just hard not talking to you or seeing you everyday. That's something that I need to get over... but how, is my question..?
I gave my full heart and soul to you.. it's kind of difficult to just take that back and not feel those feelings anymore. Different for you because your heart was never fully invested, always having KW somewhere in the back of your mind. She even told me that when you guys were talking about getting back and trying again, when we were still together, that "you both weren't fooling anyone by saying you were over each other". My heart fell in love with you, even knowing this, but i guess love is blind.
You can think that I'm an asshole and annoying and clingy right now but that's truly not my intentions. I just have a lot of questions that I need to get off of my chest and I don't think I'll ever find out the answers. But, like I said, I hope you're getting yourself happy and figuring out your life up there, which is what you wanted in the first place.. and what would be in B's best interest. We'll talk when you come back to Philly, when to come and get B's toys and stuff. I also have to give you the box of Christmas ornaments that your mom gave us.. to collect throughout the years.. and you can do what you want with them.
I don't want us to hate each other because I honestly don't, like I said, I love you.. even though that doesn't matter now. I'm just scared to hear stories of you and KW and B being happy and seeing pictures of you guys as a happy family. I'm sick to my stomach over this.. but I hope time heals my wounds... and quick.
Kelli
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