A letter (over FB) I shouldn't have sent but my emotions are crazy.

How the fuck do I get over this? How do I just move on, like you did? KW's probably reading this but that's ok... obviously I have nothing to hide. You can't expect me to just turn my feelings off as soon as I hear you two are back together.

I've tried my best to help you help yourself for months and months while giving you all the love that I could, trying to help you find jobs and with welfare and giving you a roof over your head and food on the table for you and B, bla bla bla ( you know the story)... (I did it all because I loved you) and as soon as KW breaks up with M, all options are available to you, even though you were still telling me you loved me and that B was my stepson, and that we will be getting married one day. I guess, that was just all unrealistic thoughts from being high.

I don't know how to do this. Yea, this is all for B, but you've always known damn well that I was always second choice.. you were just waiting for your opportunity. All the while, just dragging my heart along and making unrealistic expectations for me, leaving me to believe you were mine and I was yours. This probably isn't as hard for you as it is for me. The only thing hard for you right now is getting over these drugs, getting a steady job and income and maybe (and I'm giving this a big maybe) not to hurt me anymore... but you've done the damage and there's no going back. I hope youre happy with your choice. I can't hate the fact that you're all back as a family. This has always been the choice in your heart; like your mom told me, "its not a shock" that this has happened..

I guess me sending this message to you is to somehow still be connected to you because I still love you and I'm just grieving the loss of two loves (you and B). I know this was something I didn't want to do (keep in contact) but I can't explain why I needed to send this... It just hurts too bad.. knowing you moved on and are sleeping in another woman's bed.. the woman you swore up and down you hated her guts and how much of a cunt and fat pig she was. I guess you were just trying to hide your true feelings.

I really just wish you would've told me the truth like a man... either way, it was going to hurt. Not like this message matters, but, like I said, I can't explain why I needed to send this. My heart just aches being without you and B and knowing you will never be fully back in my life. And, I guess it's just hard not talking to you or seeing you everyday. That's something that I need to get over... but how, is my question..?

I gave my full heart and soul to you.. it's kind of difficult to just take that back and not feel those feelings anymore. Different for you because your heart was never fully invested, always having KW somewhere in the back of your mind. She even told me that when you guys were talking about getting back and trying again, when we were still together, that "you both weren't fooling anyone by saying you were over each other". My heart fell in love with you, even knowing this, but i guess love is blind.

You can think that I'm an asshole and annoying and clingy right now but that's truly not my intentions. I just have a lot of questions that I need to get off of my chest and I don't think I'll ever find out the answers. But, like I said, I hope you're getting yourself happy and figuring out your life up there, which is what you wanted in the first place.. and what would be in B's best interest. We'll talk when you come back to Philly, when to come and get B's toys and stuff. I also have to give you the box of Christmas ornaments that your mom gave us.. to collect throughout the years.. and you can do what you want with them.

I don't want us to hate each other because I honestly don't, like I said, I love you.. even though that doesn't matter now. I'm just scared to hear stories of you and KW and B being happy and seeing pictures of you guys as a happy family. I'm sick to my stomach over this.. but I hope time heals my wounds... and quick.

Kelli

Random thoughts...

Ok, so I started out this blog pretty depressing. Well, so that's what it's going to be for a while (your choice to continue reading). Today, I got up and went to my therapists office for my weekly session.. And bawled my eyes out the entire time (I'm worthless, I feel betrayed, my heart feels like it's going to explode, yada yada yada...).
  Then, my best friend MM encouraged me to go to Barnes & Nobles, get a cup of coffee and read a few chapters of a book... She knows the way to my heart and it was just what I needed.  It may sound cheesy but I love going to a book store, reading a little and drinking some coffee.. It's one of my life pleasures. And, you know what?! I kind of felt good. Thanks MM.

Let's skip back to immediately after my therapy appt.. MM knew how down I was so she texted me amazing thoughts about me. Words cannot describe how much those words meant.:
 (This is what she sent me, which literally stopped me in my tracks and made me cry)  
      Like those dove commercials when the people walk around and see the pictures drawn of  themselves that the artists saw and the descriptions of them that strangers gave that was so different than how they described themselves. The way i describe you when i speak of you to people
Who don't know you, like Jordan or Lindsey is my "incredibly amazing friend, a tiny sassy blonde who basically held her family together after they lost her father, she put herself through school which is a responsibility and a dedication that nobody my age has, and held shit together when her brother fell apart. She pays for more bills for her family than anybody her age i know; and still manages to take care of a dog, have a full time job caring for cancer patients, and be a mom to her friends. She'll give you the shirt off her back, she is the kind of person that would likely drown when trying to save a drowning person bc she won't let go. She'll tell you like it is because she is honest and can't lie to save her life so you'll never be left guessing. All that falls into the fact that she basically is the maternal driving force in all our lives. Despite being so responsible for everyone around her, she has a wild side but a lot of that is bc it makes her so happy to be around her friends when they are happy. She isn't really someome who would party for the sake of partying, but for the fact that she is sharing that moment with people she loves. All that maternal nature and responsibility kind of ends up stifling the fact that she has a huge creative backbone that has been dying to get loose and that shows up in the fact that she is a great cook, loves to read and write, and would probably make an excellent photographer if given the right tools."

LB, my other best friend agrees. I love them both to death. Lord know where I would be without them.. Literally.. Probably In a looney bin (which was almost a close step for me).

Anyway, back to Barnes & Nobles (I did warn you that I'm kind if all over the place)... I Was sitting there with a few books and my notebook with bills and stuff in it, texting back and forth to MM and LB, just thinking of some random stuff... For example:

Did you ever feel like you had a pece if hair stuck in your throat and you really didn't know what to do about it? Do you go in and try to pull it out, especially in public? Or do you try to keep coughing up hairballs like a cat???

Or, when your stomach is groaning like you know when you have to fart? And then it starts making weird noises by your bootyhole? But, to top it off you're in the silent section of the library (thanks MM for your story).
Let's see, do you let 'er rip... Then act like nothing happened, like none was the wiser.. Or, point to some innocent person just trying to study and act like it was him/her? Or, lastly, and this is my favorite, do you just let it rip, shrug your shoulders and put a thumbs up to whomever looks your way? I'll take the latter.

Another awkward situation, which is totally random. Do you think taking out all of your medications (5 total and they're not all small and indiscreet) in the middle of a crowded Barnes & Nobles Starbucks is inappropriate? Fuck it, I'm doing it anyway. I do it on the bus in the morning and there's a lot of crack and meth heads on there. Come to think of it, I should be more worried about taking my medications out on the bus than in Starbucks. Those degenerates probably think it's something good, all the while, it's just a few antidepressants, Prilosec and birth control. Maybe if they did steal them from me, the meds will just cheer them up a bit.. Give them a little extra pep in their sluggish step.  Haha.

That's all.

So, here I am...

This blog will probably go backwards but you'll eventually get what's going on, if you continue to follow me .. Hopefully. So, two days ago, my now ex boyfriend went up to his child's mothers house, his ex, to help out with his son while she works some late night hours (oh, she just broke up with her boyfriend of a few years). Who knows the actual reason why he went up there, it could be a few.

Let me start by explaining my ex's ex GF... They went out for about 5 years and they had a beautiful boy together. They broke up because of his drug addiction. Now, me and my ex have been together for over a year and yes, everything went so fast In this relationship. I grew so close to his son and loved and treated him as my own son.  Meanwhile, I also grew close to my ex's mother, we talk at least every other day. Also, during half of the relationship, he started using drugs and got really hooked on snorting heroin. I tried to get him help and support him.. But all of my tryings turned into rejections.

As my ex got worse and worse on drugs (every once in a while, he would try to stop and take Suboxones.. But knew he would never stop them. On and off he got high.
I grew closer to his son and bought him everything he needed, including food, clothes, medicine, toys, etc. I would treat him as if he were my own son (he's currently 4 yrs old.. We met met when he was three). There's no doubt in my mind that I loved this child and would definitely die for him if needed. He loves me also.. Telling his friends and family that I'm his "girlfriend"! He so sweet and intelligent and funny.. I could go on and on about him. But, I will eventually get to the point I'm trying to make. The last few weeks of our relationship, while my ex's son and I were both at my ex's moms house, his heroin habit seemed to be getting worse and worse and out of control.. I eventually started sleeping on the couch instead of in bed with him. (this was only a few weeks ago).

So, back to my ex's ex... He would always tell me how much of a bitch she is and blah blah blah... He would always rant and rave about her and how deceitful she is... I knew in the back of my head that I was always his second choice, that he was still in love with his ex, his sons mother. My ex would always tell me that I'm crazy but I knew I wasn't.. (And, of course, love blinds all so I didn't want to leave.. I wanted to stick it out). I mean there were times when he was high and I literally caught him texting her inappropriate things ("inside jokes"), for being in a committed relationship.  (Oh, he also lived with me a few months after the start of our relationship). I just KNEW that I would always be second choice. (I'll get into more details as I write more in my blog so you can understand the full story)

Anyway, my ex is up there at her house  (3 hours away) to help take care of his son. I knew something was going to happen between him and his ex, or it was talked about or it had already happened. Of course, king of all liars told me NO, that he was only there to help out with his son, especially since his son missed his father so much.

Deep down in my gut, I knew something was going on. His ex texted me something like "I'm sorry and never wanted to hurt you".... So, naturally, I asked her woman to woman, what was the honest truth and what was actually going on up there.  Come to find out, my ex and her had been talking about "trying their relationship again bc they weren't fooling anybody by saying they were over each other"... FOR A MONTH!!!  Always trust your gut instinct!!
So, from falling in love so quickly and out relationship going pretty fast, and my ex telling me that we would get married and his son was my stepson now (which hurts the most), it's kind of hard to deal with what's going on right now. I know there's a bunch of lies circulating around but no one wants to be a man/woman and tell me. "I'd rather be hurt by the honest truth than the best dressed lie"

Now, it's more of me crying throughout the day.. Real tears and real heartache... And I just need to remove myself from the situation.. If only there was a magic wand or trick to getting over a break-up.
There will be more details in other entries. This is just what's happening right now and I feel the need to get it out, of of my chest.

Many of my stories aren't going to be delightful.. It's life kicking me in the ass! There's also a lot of run on sentences and sentences/paragraphs that seem to not make any sense... Well, that's just me.