Give Me Some Inspiration...

Reading the first few sentences of each of my posts, (and there aren't many of them) I realize that there needs to be more inspiration and positivity involved around here.  So many times I just want to vent and whine about my struggles, which is acceptable because if I don't I know that those thoughts will stay in my head, but I also have to be positive and see the brighter side of everything.  I have to be grateful for the things that I have and try see the beauty all around me.  I've become more and more aware of the negativity around me and also what I'm projecting, unfortunately.  We all have a right to our feelings and our feelings are valid. What I've come to learn is that feelings aren't facts though.  I'm working through my feelings and I can figure out how to put a positive spin on them.  I don't have to dwell in the negativity anymore if I don't allow myself.  Today, I'm trying to bring more of an encouraging outlook on life instead of always feeling like the world is falling in on me.  This way, I can see a glimmer of hope and run with it.  I don't want to ever go back to being the Negative Nancy I was before, the one no one wanted to be around for more than five minutes because I would bring their day down.  I want to bring joy into the world, especially my world.

Like I said, we have a right to our own feelings and they're valid, regardless of what anyone says.  NO ONE has the right to tell you how to feel.  Recently, I've noticed that people around me can be negative and can say things that I don't want to hear or that I feel almost offended by, for example, not wanting to "deal with other peoples bullshit" or just being judgmental towards others.  I used to say that I didn't care what others said or thought about me but truthfully, I cared way too much.  I cared so much how other people viewed me that sometimes I became paranoid.  I wouldn't speak my mind or do what I necessarily wanted to do.  I just couldn't be me.  Now, as I'm working on myself more, I'm like "what the fuck was/is wrong with me!"  I still have those moments sometimes but I have to shake it out because, ya know what, it's none of my business what other people think of me!!  That's their shit.  If they have something bad to say, that is on them.  If it's not going to help me to become a better person than I don't really care.  And, that's all I have to say about that.

I have come to learn and understand that if I don't allow myself to express how I feel, I'll sit in my own shit and the irrational thoughts will spiral out of control.  What I've also come to learn and understand is that I know that those feelings aren't facts and they aren't permanent.  I can talk about it.  Simple as that!  Everything is a learning experience, though.  It's not very easy to just talk about my feelings but the more I realize that it helps me, I gain more of a positive perspective, the more I'll be able to talk.  I am the only one who can help myself.  I am responsible for me. I need to take action and better myself.  Over the past few days, I have been able to express myself a little more instead of keeping the thoughts in my head.  It gives me some relief.  [*Side Note: I just came back to this draft after leaving it alone for 2 weeks...sorry]  Isn't that what we're ultimately looking for, relief?  I'll speak for myself... YES!  Finding that relief, I know that maybe I can start to feel comfortable in my own skin and then lead me onto the road of continued happiness and contentment.  Sounds so easy and I wish it was but I know that if I continue to work on myself, in a positive way, it'll get easier.

So, I can look at a situation with all the negativity in the world but I know it won't get me anywhere besides a Pity Party to sit in my own shit, by myself, feeling horrible.  If I start looking at the brighter side, the more Positive side, of a negative situation (or any situation), I'll get to that place of happiness and contentment I've always wanted. I'll allow myself to speak what I want, appropriately, because I deserve Happiness.  Shouldn't we all?








 Love, Kelli 
        Bean

Like George Michael says, "You Gotta Have Faith"

As usual, the struggle has been real.  Nothing out of the ordinary, of course.  Always a basket-case over here, more in my mind than anything else, which is the worst possible place to be.

 The job thing has been getting me down.  I got a retail job at a place that I love to shop at (discount!!!) but only have been given 12 hours a week, which isn't paying to keep me alive.  This retail position isn't what I want out of life right now.  Besides being financially unstable (which is an unbearable stressor right now), I want to be an Oncology Nurse.  I want to be comforting others, holding another's hand, infusing Chemotherapy, being in an emergency... and seeing my part at the end of the day... trying to see my worth in the world.  I've been told that "maybe there's a reason why I'm not getting any Nursing positions right now."  "God is doing for you what you cannot do for yourself..."  I want to scream at that.  I want to shout: "Shut the Fuck up, I'm supposed to be a Nurse... You don't know anything about this...."  But it's ME who doesn't know anything about this.  I am stuck in my own pile of shit and think that I know everything... That, my friend, is exactly why I struggle so much.  I always thought that I didn't have an ego because of my low self-esteem... HAHAHA... that is such a joke.  The more I learn about myself, the more I see how fucking huge my ego is.  I mean, I don't have confidence and am sure as hell not conceited at all but yes, I have an Ego like you wouldn't believe.  Being a Registered Nurse and working at a huge, world-renowned hospital can give a girl some Ego, I guess.  Not only that, but it was what got me there... the independence that I prided myself on, the battles that I went through and overcame (or some that I thought that I had overcame), the kindness in my heart, and the difference that I thought I could make in this world.  I'm sorry to break it to myself but I cannot fix the world when my own world is upside down. I have to get right with myself first.  Let's pop that Fucking Ego balloon!!! That same balloon that I thought never existed!  Yes, in due time I can make a difference in this world (and, yes, I currently am impacting the world, just not on the level that I want to).  There are certain Steps that are going to be needed to be taken and it's going to be a process. Patience.

How do I get right with myself?  I'm learning more and more that You Gotta Have Faith!  I have always had faith and God in my life.  I grew up with God but he was a punishing God.  I grew up Catholic and if I did something wrong, I was going to HELL!! "I don gotta live like dat no mo!"  haha.  The past few months, I've realized that I can have a God that I understand and that understands ME.  He is right by my side and has never left.  Everything that has happened, good, bad or indifferent up until this point in my life, I am grateful.  Sounds weird and strange but the truth in the matter is that if this journey hadn't happened, I would never feel my gratitude towards God, a Power Greater than myself, and see the wonders in this world and how Everything Happens For A Reason.  It's difficult explaining Faith.  You have to Believe and Trust the process.  It doesn't come with the snap of your fingers and isn't instant gratification like most of us like and want.  

God has been with me all along and even though sometimes I thought He wasn't there, He was.  I was running on my own Willpower, thinking that "I can do this on my own!"  Absolutely not!! I can't do shit on my own!  I trust that God will get me through and from now on, I will give my Will to Him.  If I put my hand in any situation, the situation immediately becomes chaos and my struggle becomes 1000x worse.  Learning about my understanding of God and having Faith in Him, gives me peace and serenity.  My heart and my shoulders feel lighter.  My eyes and my brain shut off at the same time at night.  It's a newer journey and I'm grateful that God brought me here.  

                                                                                                              -- Bean

Trying to find the words...

I've been on the Struggle bus driving down Struggle Street, nearing Struggle Town and about to get off at my stop Pity Party Lane.  This week has been rough.  This month has been rough.  A few days ago I got honest with a few people and said aloud the thoughts that I was having.  I knew the thoughts in my head weren't well. I didn't really want to talk about them because 1) I don't like talking about Me so much (weird that I have a blog, huh?) and 2) I didn't think they were that big of a deal, I was minimizing my feelings.  I knew that if someone else had told me the thoughts they were having, like I was, I wouldn't feel comfortable just letting them be.  I would want to do something about it.  I would want to help them.  If I wanted to help someone else in this situation but not myself, wouldn't that make me a hypocrite?  I don't want to be a hypocrite.  I don't want to feel this way anymore.  I know I sure as hell don't deserve to.  I want a solution.  All I've ever wanted in life is to be happy and content.  If there's a solution, why don't I go and find it?  So simple, yet so fucking difficult.  Our minds don't always want to use the easiest method.  We have to make everything so hard.  Well, I'll speak for myself anyway.

Just talking about what I was thinking made my thoughts valid.  Maybe I do need to talk more about what I'm thinking.  Depression is no joke, man.  I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer but my thoughts were about not wanting to be alive anymore.  Just thinking "what it would be like if I wasn't alive anymore... would it be better?"  Those thoughts are by no means normal.  (What the shit is "normal" anyway?!) Yes, some of you (if anyone even reads this) may think this is a little TMI for the internet but Oh well, fuck it, it's my blog, you don't like it, don't read it.  With the whole Robin Williams suicide situation going on and how some people are being controversial and negative about it, those people have no idea what it is like to constantly battle those thoughts in your head.  No one will ever know what it's like to feel truly depressed unless you're going through it or have gone through it.  Depression is indescribable, you cannot just snap out of it, nor can you  just "get better" in a week's time.  It's a process and it's a journey, to say the least.  You need support but you don't want someone to feel pity for you.  Please, don't change the way you treat me because I tell you about how I feel  Just be there for me.  When you're so far gone down that black hole of depression, it's so hard to come back from.  Nothing and no one matters at that point.  All that matters is relief from self. The ultimate relief.  It's hard to describe, like I had mentioned.  And, if you have no idea what it's like, Thank God!!!!!  There is help... We can all be of help to each other.  You know that saying : "Be Kind For Everyone You Meet Is Fighting A Battle You Know Nothing About," it's 100% true. In my experience, I've never (and still don't) wanted to talk about what I'm thinking or feeling because, who the hell wants to do that, I don't want to burden another person with My problems... especially when that said person just said something along the lines about another person annoying them because of their "bitching".  Well, what the fuck.  Or, when someone says out loud "I don't feel like sitting here listening to someone talk about their shit."  That hurts.  Even though that may not even be about me, it still make me want to shut down, crawl into my bed and hide under my covers.  This society needs to be more conscientious of each others feelings.  That could be expecting too much though.  I want to be able to open up to others and express my thoughts/feelings more but how can I do that when I hear others talk like this.  This is what I always thought people thought.  So, who the hell wants to listen to me and my stupid shit that probably doesn't make any sense.  My mind always wants to fuck me in the worst ways. I know that not everyone is like this.  There are really good people out there.  There are a lot of good people out there.  I've met some of them.

So, what's my solution.  I have to differentiate my fucked up, twisted serious thoughts between my Pity Party thoughts.  I get on this kick that "I'm not worth anything," "nobody likes me," "I probably don't have a job yet because I'm not a good nurse".. boo hoo me, right?!  That's when I need to take a step back and say:

Fuck that, I know that I'm a good nurse and a damn good person.  The time will come when I'll get the RN position that fits best for me.  The reason why I don't have the position that I had before, the position that I loved, is because God didn't want me to have that position anymore.  He has something better planned for me.  I believe that.  I have to believe that.  I have to have HOPE.  I give my will and put my trust in God.  I mean, He already had this plan for me anyway, I just have to work at it.  It's a strange thing when you believe in a Higher Power.  As I'm writing this, there's a strong sense coming over me telling me that everything will be okay.  This happens daily and I'm grateful for my Faith.  It's just this damn Depression.  It's a Fucker.  I don't really know what my solution is right now other than Faith.  I'm currently trying to figure out everything else.  One Day at a Time. 

                                                                                                                   -Kelli "Bean"

HoldOnPainEnds

What the Hell Happened??!!.. Oh Yea, I know...

WOW.. let me just repeat.... WOW!!! I was going to delete a lot of the entries or at least clean them up a little because 1) they're absolutely pathetic, depressing and unbearable to read and 2) a little too wacky and off the wall.  My mind definitely wasn't there, literally.  Instead, I chose to leave everything where it is. (also, I literally couldn't take myself through reading all of that past shit) I'm keeping everything put to show my journey.  To show you where I came from, what I'm doing, and where I'm going... the struggles, triumphs and little woo hoo's. 


If you haven't gotten it yet, I'm a bit of a basket case with a splash of hope!  I have what the professionals call "Depression and Anxiety"... who'da thought! Nah, I've know that shit for years.  I've stuffed those emotions down for years.. or so I thought.  And get this, one day... or slowly over the course of days or years, those emotions just decided to leak out and I had no idea how to fucking deal with them. (excuse my profanity... just kidding!) That's when I went kind of bat shit crazy. Dear Lord, if you could have actually read the personal journal entries I wrote... Well, maybe someone would have read them and maybe I would have gotten the help a little sooner.  But, you know what, I've learned (and God, I have learned so many things over the past few months) that Life Works on its Own Time and on its Own Terms.  Also, and this is such a cliché that most people hate hearing but I truly and absolutely believe in : Everything Happens for a Reason.  The point that I hit my breaking point was the time that I was ready to start changing... for the better... for myself.  I was dying inside, keeping the "secrets" away from everyone, trying to "keep up face", clearly not doing such a great job at it.  I was trying to be the independent one, showing everyone that I was ok and didn't need help. (Clearly, I did)  I couldn't hold myself together anymore.  So many variables added up to this point that I had never realized and I was in such denial about so much.  I was literally out of my mind.  Thank God for God, first of all. (yes, I do have God in my life) And also, thank God for my Family and Friends, who love me unconditionally... who really knows where I would be... I would rather not think about that part.

I may not be ready to write about the actual details of what occurred these past few months but I can write about the feelings involved.  I know that others will relate. "Our stories may not all be the same but we can all identify." I know that not many people read this blog but that's ok.  I love writing and getting out what I have inside of me and this is the perfect place for me to display whatever kind of creativity I decide to conjure up... if "creativity" is the word that even fits. 
                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                                    --Bean

You fall, You Rise, You Make Mistakes, You Live,
 You Learn. You're Human, Not Perfect.  You've Been

Hurt, But You're Alive.  Think of What a Precious Privilege it is to Be Alive - to Breathe,

to Think, to Enjoy, and to Chase the Things You Love.

Sometimes There is Sadness in Our Journey But there is Also Lots of Beauty .

We Must Keep One Foot In Front of the Other Even When

We Hurt, For We Will Never Know What is Waiting For Us  Just Around the Bend.

-Unknown

While you're over there studying for Grad school.. I'm just going to sit over here and read my Breakup Bible book.

They say that getting over a Breakup, you need to accept it and grieve it and try to move on.  Well, I went to Barnes and Nobles with MM and picked up a few books to help me.  Of course, on my way to the 'Self Help/Improvement' section, I walked down every children's book aisle, quickly reminding me of B. Like, thanks life for mocking me, I really need that on my way to the self help section. Awesome! Anyway, I got a few books and started reading that night. The book, "The Breakup Bible", stated that I should highlight or underline or take notes. When me and MM got home, she immediately had to start studying for her pharm test (she's so smart by the way.. and will excel greatly in Grad school!) . Then I, sitting on the little comfy white chair, across the room, broke open the book, smelled the fresh new pages and started reading (mind you, I was also eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's frozen Greek yogurt, the whole thing.. don't judge). I grabbed a pen and started underlining things.. and dog earring pages (I don't know if its called dog earring or elephant earring... I honestly don't know why I don't know which one it is and I am 30).  But, here we both were, studying to save our lives.

On Friday, MM and her bf (PN) came and kidnapped me from my lonely place, packed a bag for both me and the dog, and we were out of there.  We stopped to get Pho on the way home.. delicious by the way.. if you haven't had it, its beef noodle soup and it tastes like heaven.. to think about it, it kind of felt good for my soul. There was a lot of me slurping, being unable to pick the noodles and beef up with my chopsticks, and getting broth all over.  By the way, if you have ever seen a child (not Asian) try to use chopsticks, that's what I pretty much look like.. all of the time while using them.

Over the weekend, my heart and my stomach were just sick. I couldn't really concentrate, focus, and felt like I was going to break down in tears every moment.. I wanted to just lay in bed all day, watch TV, and nap (of course).  So, that's what I did when was at LB's house (we literally love naps). Both LB and MM were tossing me back and forth like a child of divorcee parents just so I wasn't home by myself (which I really didn't mind, at all).  They had their plans for me and which place I was going to and when.  They were still going on with their daily lives (work, school, studying, errands...etc) while I was just co-existing with them (which I love doing with them). It felt good to just be in someone's company and not be alone. PN, MM's boyfriend, even cooked us a delicious gluten free meal and I was so impressed and so appreciative of him doing that and his thoughtfulness (I have Celiac's disease by the way... boooo). Words will never be able to express how I feel towards MM and LB and how much I appreciate and need them in my life.  To be honest, I don't know what or where I would be without them. They are my chosen family and I wouldn't have it any other way.
   
   *Sidenote: if you can't just co-exist with your best friends and feel the need to entertain them the whole time they're in your presence, well then, that's stupid and you should re-evaluate your friendship. MM, LB and I do it all of the time and we love it. Its just us getting together but not have to entertain each other (which we really don't have to anyway). This is only one of the reasons why I love them both.*

I finally came home today and immediately broke down in tears because of the feeling of loneliness and still seeing all of B's toys.  I tried to put them together and while I was doing that, I found his Christmas card to me.  My ex's mom, wrote what B wanted to write in the card and it was so sweet. He couldn't write all of it yet (he's only 4), which is why she helped him. He is just the sweetest, smartest and funniest little boy ever.  My heart just tore to pieces.. then I took a nap.

My other best friend CS encouraged me to go for a walk since it was so nice out today. She brought her most adorable baby ever and I bought Ruby, my overweight pug. I had some reservations but I'm glad I went.  We just took a walk along a trail, probably just 2 miles, but it was something (something is always better than nothing, right?!). And plus, Ruby needs to lose weight just as much as I need to lose weight (which is about 60lbs, according to my height and whatever). Point blank, I'm short (5 feet even) and obese and need to lose weight. Add that onto the already lengthy list of problems. When I took Ruby to the vet not too long ago, her weight was a 9 out of 9 on a scale from 0-9, the highest being the most obese. (I don't know why they stop at 9, why not 10, weird...?). I thought I would feel good afterwards when I got home but I didn't (you know what they say about the whole endorphin thing and getting outside in nice weather, etc...making you feel better... nope). On the way back to my place, I was just overcome with this daunting nostalgic feeling that HE was waiting at home for me, like it used to be.  Obviously, I didn't have anyone waiting for me and naturally, I started crying... again. Anyway, we're going to try to go for a walk again tomorrow. Maybe if I keep it a habit, something good will come of it. Plus, I get to see CS and Baby B, and they make me happy.

I started this blog, obviously because I'm not creative and not a great writer but to just express my feelings in hopes that I somehow, someday start to feel better (well, that's what research and my therapist says anyway). So, that's what I'm doing now. If you hadn't noticed by now, I'm all over the place and sometimes you just have to piece together things.. sorry!

I currently have a loudly snoring pug next to me who is just passed out from all of her hard work walking. She probably wont move for hours. I guess like mama like puppy (or however the saying goes). Now, I'm just going to go back to one of my Breakup books and learn about grieving and accepting and moving on... wish me luck.

A letter (over FB) I shouldn't have sent but my emotions are crazy.

How the fuck do I get over this? How do I just move on, like you did? KW's probably reading this but that's ok... obviously I have nothing to hide. You can't expect me to just turn my feelings off as soon as I hear you two are back together.

I've tried my best to help you help yourself for months and months while giving you all the love that I could, trying to help you find jobs and with welfare and giving you a roof over your head and food on the table for you and B, bla bla bla ( you know the story)... (I did it all because I loved you) and as soon as KW breaks up with M, all options are available to you, even though you were still telling me you loved me and that B was my stepson, and that we will be getting married one day. I guess, that was just all unrealistic thoughts from being high.

I don't know how to do this. Yea, this is all for B, but you've always known damn well that I was always second choice.. you were just waiting for your opportunity. All the while, just dragging my heart along and making unrealistic expectations for me, leaving me to believe you were mine and I was yours. This probably isn't as hard for you as it is for me. The only thing hard for you right now is getting over these drugs, getting a steady job and income and maybe (and I'm giving this a big maybe) not to hurt me anymore... but you've done the damage and there's no going back. I hope youre happy with your choice. I can't hate the fact that you're all back as a family. This has always been the choice in your heart; like your mom told me, "its not a shock" that this has happened..

I guess me sending this message to you is to somehow still be connected to you because I still love you and I'm just grieving the loss of two loves (you and B). I know this was something I didn't want to do (keep in contact) but I can't explain why I needed to send this... It just hurts too bad.. knowing you moved on and are sleeping in another woman's bed.. the woman you swore up and down you hated her guts and how much of a cunt and fat pig she was. I guess you were just trying to hide your true feelings.

I really just wish you would've told me the truth like a man... either way, it was going to hurt. Not like this message matters, but, like I said, I can't explain why I needed to send this. My heart just aches being without you and B and knowing you will never be fully back in my life. And, I guess it's just hard not talking to you or seeing you everyday. That's something that I need to get over... but how, is my question..?

I gave my full heart and soul to you.. it's kind of difficult to just take that back and not feel those feelings anymore. Different for you because your heart was never fully invested, always having KW somewhere in the back of your mind. She even told me that when you guys were talking about getting back and trying again, when we were still together, that "you both weren't fooling anyone by saying you were over each other". My heart fell in love with you, even knowing this, but i guess love is blind.

You can think that I'm an asshole and annoying and clingy right now but that's truly not my intentions. I just have a lot of questions that I need to get off of my chest and I don't think I'll ever find out the answers. But, like I said, I hope you're getting yourself happy and figuring out your life up there, which is what you wanted in the first place.. and what would be in B's best interest. We'll talk when you come back to Philly, when to come and get B's toys and stuff. I also have to give you the box of Christmas ornaments that your mom gave us.. to collect throughout the years.. and you can do what you want with them.

I don't want us to hate each other because I honestly don't, like I said, I love you.. even though that doesn't matter now. I'm just scared to hear stories of you and KW and B being happy and seeing pictures of you guys as a happy family. I'm sick to my stomach over this.. but I hope time heals my wounds... and quick.

Kelli

Random thoughts...

Ok, so I started out this blog pretty depressing. Well, so that's what it's going to be for a while (your choice to continue reading). Today, I got up and went to my therapists office for my weekly session.. And bawled my eyes out the entire time (I'm worthless, I feel betrayed, my heart feels like it's going to explode, yada yada yada...).
  Then, my best friend MM encouraged me to go to Barnes & Nobles, get a cup of coffee and read a few chapters of a book... She knows the way to my heart and it was just what I needed.  It may sound cheesy but I love going to a book store, reading a little and drinking some coffee.. It's one of my life pleasures. And, you know what?! I kind of felt good. Thanks MM.

Let's skip back to immediately after my therapy appt.. MM knew how down I was so she texted me amazing thoughts about me. Words cannot describe how much those words meant.:
 (This is what she sent me, which literally stopped me in my tracks and made me cry)  
      Like those dove commercials when the people walk around and see the pictures drawn of  themselves that the artists saw and the descriptions of them that strangers gave that was so different than how they described themselves. The way i describe you when i speak of you to people
Who don't know you, like Jordan or Lindsey is my "incredibly amazing friend, a tiny sassy blonde who basically held her family together after they lost her father, she put herself through school which is a responsibility and a dedication that nobody my age has, and held shit together when her brother fell apart. She pays for more bills for her family than anybody her age i know; and still manages to take care of a dog, have a full time job caring for cancer patients, and be a mom to her friends. She'll give you the shirt off her back, she is the kind of person that would likely drown when trying to save a drowning person bc she won't let go. She'll tell you like it is because she is honest and can't lie to save her life so you'll never be left guessing. All that falls into the fact that she basically is the maternal driving force in all our lives. Despite being so responsible for everyone around her, she has a wild side but a lot of that is bc it makes her so happy to be around her friends when they are happy. She isn't really someome who would party for the sake of partying, but for the fact that she is sharing that moment with people she loves. All that maternal nature and responsibility kind of ends up stifling the fact that she has a huge creative backbone that has been dying to get loose and that shows up in the fact that she is a great cook, loves to read and write, and would probably make an excellent photographer if given the right tools."

LB, my other best friend agrees. I love them both to death. Lord know where I would be without them.. Literally.. Probably In a looney bin (which was almost a close step for me).

Anyway, back to Barnes & Nobles (I did warn you that I'm kind if all over the place)... I Was sitting there with a few books and my notebook with bills and stuff in it, texting back and forth to MM and LB, just thinking of some random stuff... For example:

Did you ever feel like you had a pece if hair stuck in your throat and you really didn't know what to do about it? Do you go in and try to pull it out, especially in public? Or do you try to keep coughing up hairballs like a cat???

Or, when your stomach is groaning like you know when you have to fart? And then it starts making weird noises by your bootyhole? But, to top it off you're in the silent section of the library (thanks MM for your story).
Let's see, do you let 'er rip... Then act like nothing happened, like none was the wiser.. Or, point to some innocent person just trying to study and act like it was him/her? Or, lastly, and this is my favorite, do you just let it rip, shrug your shoulders and put a thumbs up to whomever looks your way? I'll take the latter.

Another awkward situation, which is totally random. Do you think taking out all of your medications (5 total and they're not all small and indiscreet) in the middle of a crowded Barnes & Nobles Starbucks is inappropriate? Fuck it, I'm doing it anyway. I do it on the bus in the morning and there's a lot of crack and meth heads on there. Come to think of it, I should be more worried about taking my medications out on the bus than in Starbucks. Those degenerates probably think it's something good, all the while, it's just a few antidepressants, Prilosec and birth control. Maybe if they did steal them from me, the meds will just cheer them up a bit.. Give them a little extra pep in their sluggish step.  Haha.

That's all.