WOW.. let me just repeat.... WOW!!! I was going to delete a lot of the entries or at least clean them up a little because 1) they're absolutely pathetic, depressing and unbearable to read and 2) a little too wacky and off the wall. My mind definitely wasn't there, literally. Instead, I chose to leave everything where it is. (also, I literally couldn't take myself through reading all of that past shit) I'm keeping everything put to show my journey. To show you where I came from, what I'm doing, and where I'm going... the struggles, triumphs and little woo hoo's.
If you haven't gotten it yet, I'm a bit of a basket case with a splash of hope! I have what the professionals call "Depression and Anxiety"... who'da thought! Nah, I've know that shit for years. I've stuffed those emotions down for years.. or so I thought. And get this, one day... or slowly over the course of days or years, those emotions just decided to leak out and I had no idea how to fucking deal with them. (excuse my profanity... just kidding!) That's when I went kind of bat shit crazy. Dear Lord, if you could have actually read the personal journal entries I wrote... Well, maybe someone would have read them and maybe I would have gotten the help a little sooner. But, you know what, I've learned (and God, I have learned so many things over the past few months) that Life Works on its Own Time and on its Own Terms. Also, and this is such a cliché that most people hate hearing but I truly and absolutely believe in : Everything Happens for a Reason. The point that I hit my breaking point was the time that I was ready to start changing... for the better... for myself. I was dying inside, keeping the "secrets" away from everyone, trying to "keep up face", clearly not doing such a great job at it. I was trying to be the independent one, showing everyone that I was ok and didn't need help. (Clearly, I did) I couldn't hold myself together anymore. So many variables added up to this point that I had never realized and I was in such denial about so much. I was literally out of my mind. Thank God for God, first of all. (yes, I do have God in my life) And also, thank God for my Family and Friends, who love me unconditionally... who really knows where I would be... I would rather not think about that part.
I may not be ready to write about the actual details of what occurred these past few months but I can write about the feelings involved. I know that others will relate. "Our stories may not all be the same but we can all identify." I know that not many people read this blog but that's ok. I love writing and getting out what I have inside of me and this is the perfect place for me to display whatever kind of creativity I decide to conjure up... if "creativity" is the word that even fits.
--Bean
You fall, You Rise, You Make Mistakes, You Live,
You Learn. You're Human, Not Perfect. You've Been
You Learn. You're Human, Not Perfect. You've Been
Hurt, But You're Alive. Think of What a Precious Privilege it is to Be Alive - to Breathe,
to Think, to Enjoy, and to Chase the Things You Love.
Sometimes There is Sadness in Our Journey But there is Also Lots of Beauty .
We Must Keep One Foot In Front of the Other Even When
We Hurt, For We Will Never Know What is Waiting For Us Just Around the Bend.
-Unknown
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