Just talking about what I was thinking made my thoughts valid. Maybe I do need to talk more about what I'm thinking. Depression is no joke, man. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer but my thoughts were about not wanting to be alive anymore. Just thinking "what it would be like if I wasn't alive anymore... would it be better?" Those thoughts are by no means normal. (What the shit is "normal" anyway?!) Yes, some of you (if anyone even reads this) may think this is a little TMI for the internet but Oh well, fuck it, it's my blog, you don't like it, don't read it. With the whole Robin Williams suicide situation going on and how some people are being controversial and negative about it, those people have no idea what it is like to constantly battle those thoughts in your head. No one will ever know what it's like to feel truly depressed unless you're going through it or have gone through it. Depression is indescribable, you cannot just snap out of it, nor can you just "get better" in a week's time. It's a process and it's a journey, to say the least. You need support but you don't want someone to feel pity for you. Please, don't change the way you treat me because I tell you about how I feel Just be there for me. When you're so far gone down that black hole of depression, it's so hard to come back from. Nothing and no one matters at that point. All that matters is relief from self. The ultimate relief. It's hard to describe, like I had mentioned. And, if you have no idea what it's like, Thank God!!!!! There is help... We can all be of help to each other. You know that saying : "Be Kind For Everyone You Meet Is Fighting A Battle You Know Nothing About," it's 100% true. In my experience, I've never (and still don't) wanted to talk about what I'm thinking or feeling because, who the hell wants to do that, I don't want to burden another person with My problems... especially when that said person just said something along the lines about another person annoying them because of their "bitching". Well, what the fuck. Or, when someone says out loud "I don't feel like sitting here listening to someone talk about their shit." That hurts. Even though that may not even be about me, it still make me want to shut down, crawl into my bed and hide under my covers. This society needs to be more conscientious of each others feelings. That could be expecting too much though. I want to be able to open up to others and express my thoughts/feelings more but how can I do that when I hear others talk like this. This is what I always thought people thought. So, who the hell wants to listen to me and my stupid shit that probably doesn't make any sense. My mind always wants to fuck me in the worst ways. I know that not everyone is like this. There are really good people out there. There are a lot of good people out there. I've met some of them.
So, what's my solution. I have to differentiate my fucked up, twisted serious thoughts between my Pity Party thoughts. I get on this kick that "I'm not worth anything," "nobody likes me," "I probably don't have a job yet because I'm not a good nurse".. boo hoo me, right?! That's when I need to take a step back and say:
Fuck that, I know that I'm a good nurse and a damn good person. The time will come when I'll get the RN position that fits best for me. The reason why I don't have the position that I had before, the position that I loved, is because God didn't want me to have that position anymore. He has something better planned for me. I believe that. I have to believe that. I have to have HOPE. I give my will and put my trust in God. I mean, He already had this plan for me anyway, I just have to work at it. It's a strange thing when you believe in a Higher Power. As I'm writing this, there's a strong sense coming over me telling me that everything will be okay. This happens daily and I'm grateful for my Faith. It's just this damn Depression. It's a Fucker. I don't really know what my solution is right now other than Faith. I'm currently trying to figure out everything else. One Day at a Time.
-Kelli "Bean"
