The job thing has been getting me down. I got a retail job at a place that I love to shop at (discount!!!) but only have been given 12 hours a week, which isn't paying to keep me alive. This retail position isn't what I want out of life right now. Besides being financially unstable (which is an unbearable stressor right now), I want to be an Oncology Nurse. I want to be comforting others, holding another's hand, infusing Chemotherapy, being in an emergency... and seeing my part at the end of the day... trying to see my worth in the world. I've been told that "maybe there's a reason why I'm not getting any Nursing positions right now." "God is doing for you what you cannot do for yourself..." I want to scream at that. I want to shout: "Shut the Fuck up, I'm supposed to be a Nurse... You don't know anything about this...." But it's ME who doesn't know anything about this. I am stuck in my own pile of shit and think that I know everything... That, my friend, is exactly why I struggle so much. I always thought that I didn't have an ego because of my low self-esteem... HAHAHA... that is such a joke. The more I learn about myself, the more I see how fucking huge my ego is. I mean, I don't have confidence and am sure as hell not conceited at all but yes, I have an Ego like you wouldn't believe. Being a Registered Nurse and working at a huge, world-renowned hospital can give a girl some Ego, I guess. Not only that, but it was what got me there... the independence that I prided myself on, the battles that I went through and overcame (or some that I thought that I had overcame), the kindness in my heart, and the difference that I thought I could make in this world. I'm sorry to break it to myself but I cannot fix the world when my own world is upside down. I have to get right with myself first. Let's pop that Fucking Ego balloon!!! That same balloon that I thought never existed! Yes, in due time I can make a difference in this world (and, yes, I currently am impacting the world, just not on the level that I want to). There are certain Steps that are going to be needed to be taken and it's going to be a process. Patience.
How do I get right with myself? I'm learning more and more that You Gotta Have Faith! I have always had faith and God in my life. I grew up with God but he was a punishing God. I grew up Catholic and if I did something wrong, I was going to HELL!! "I don gotta live like dat no mo!" haha. The past few months, I've realized that I can have a God that I understand and that understands ME. He is right by my side and has never left. Everything that has happened, good, bad or indifferent up until this point in my life, I am grateful. Sounds weird and strange but the truth in the matter is that if this journey hadn't happened, I would never feel my gratitude towards God, a Power Greater than myself, and see the wonders in this world and how Everything Happens For A Reason. It's difficult explaining Faith. You have to Believe and Trust the process. It doesn't come with the snap of your fingers and isn't instant gratification like most of us like and want. God has been with me all along and even though sometimes I thought He wasn't there, He was. I was running on my own Willpower, thinking that "I can do this on my own!" Absolutely not!! I can't do shit on my own! I trust that God will get me through and from now on, I will give my Will to Him. If I put my hand in any situation, the situation immediately becomes chaos and my struggle becomes 1000x worse. Learning about my understanding of God and having Faith in Him, gives me peace and serenity. My heart and my shoulders feel lighter. My eyes and my brain shut off at the same time at night. It's a newer journey and I'm grateful that God brought me here.
-- Bean
