They say that getting over a Breakup, you need to accept it and grieve it and try to move on. Well, I went to Barnes and Nobles with MM and picked up a few books to help me. Of course, on my way to the 'Self Help/Improvement' section, I walked down every children's book aisle, quickly reminding me of B. Like, thanks life for mocking me, I really need that on my way to the self help section. Awesome! Anyway, I got a few books and started reading that night. The book, "The Breakup Bible", stated that I should highlight or underline or take notes. When me and MM got home, she immediately had to start studying for her pharm test (she's so smart by the way.. and will excel greatly in Grad school!) . Then I, sitting on the little comfy white chair, across the room, broke open the book, smelled the fresh new pages and started reading (mind you, I was also eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's frozen Greek yogurt, the whole thing.. don't judge). I grabbed a pen and started underlining things.. and dog earring pages (I don't know if its called dog earring or elephant earring... I honestly don't know why I don't know which one it is and I am 30). But, here we both were, studying to save our lives.
On Friday, MM and her bf (PN) came and kidnapped me from my lonely place, packed a bag for both me and the dog, and we were out of there. We stopped to get Pho on the way home.. delicious by the way.. if you haven't had it, its beef noodle soup and it tastes like heaven.. to think about it, it kind of felt good for my soul. There was a lot of me slurping, being unable to pick the noodles and beef up with my chopsticks, and getting broth all over. By the way, if you have ever seen a child (not Asian) try to use chopsticks, that's what I pretty much look like.. all of the time while using them.
Over the weekend, my heart and my stomach were just sick. I couldn't really concentrate, focus, and felt like I was going to break down in tears every moment.. I wanted to just lay in bed all day, watch TV, and nap (of course). So, that's what I did when was at LB's house (we literally love naps). Both LB and MM were tossing me back and forth like a child of divorcee parents just so I wasn't home by myself (which I really didn't mind, at all). They had their plans for me and which place I was going to and when. They were still going on with their daily lives (work, school, studying, errands...etc) while I was just co-existing with them (which I love doing with them). It felt good to just be in someone's company and not be alone. PN, MM's boyfriend, even cooked us a delicious gluten free meal and I was so impressed and so appreciative of him doing that and his thoughtfulness (I have Celiac's disease by the way... boooo). Words will never be able to express how I feel towards MM and LB and how much I appreciate and need them in my life. To be honest, I don't know what or where I would be without them. They are my chosen family and I wouldn't have it any other way.
*Sidenote: if you can't just co-exist with your best friends and feel the need to entertain them the whole time they're in your presence, well then, that's stupid and you should re-evaluate your friendship. MM, LB and I do it all of the time and we love it. Its just us getting together but not have to entertain each other (which we really don't have to anyway). This is only one of the reasons why I love them both.*
I finally came home today and immediately broke down in tears because of the feeling of loneliness and still seeing all of B's toys. I tried to put them together and while I was doing that, I found his Christmas card to me. My ex's mom, wrote what B wanted to write in the card and it was so sweet. He couldn't write all of it yet (he's only 4), which is why she helped him. He is just the sweetest, smartest and funniest little boy ever. My heart just tore to pieces.. then I took a nap.
My other best friend CS encouraged me to go for a walk since it was so nice out today. She brought her most adorable baby ever and I bought Ruby, my overweight pug. I had some reservations but I'm glad I went. We just took a walk along a trail, probably just 2 miles, but it was something (something is always better than nothing, right?!). And plus, Ruby needs to lose weight just as much as I need to lose weight (which is about 60lbs, according to my height and whatever). Point blank, I'm short (5 feet even) and obese and need to lose weight. Add that onto the already lengthy list of problems. When I took Ruby to the vet not too long ago, her weight was a 9 out of 9 on a scale from 0-9, the highest being the most obese. (I don't know why they stop at 9, why not 10, weird...?). I thought I would feel good afterwards when I got home but I didn't (you know what they say about the whole endorphin thing and getting outside in nice weather, etc...making you feel better... nope). On the way back to my place, I was just overcome with this daunting nostalgic feeling that HE was waiting at home for me, like it used to be. Obviously, I didn't have anyone waiting for me and naturally, I started crying... again. Anyway, we're going to try to go for a walk again tomorrow. Maybe if I keep it a habit, something good will come of it. Plus, I get to see CS and Baby B, and they make me happy.
I started this blog, obviously because I'm not creative and not a great writer but to just express my feelings in hopes that I somehow, someday start to feel better (well, that's what research and my therapist says anyway). So, that's what I'm doing now. If you hadn't noticed by now, I'm all over the place and sometimes you just have to piece together things.. sorry!
I currently have a loudly snoring pug next to me who is just passed out from all of her hard work walking. She probably wont move for hours. I guess like mama like puppy (or however the saying goes). Now, I'm just going to go back to one of my Breakup books and learn about grieving and accepting and moving on... wish me luck.
